Building Trust Game

Turns out that TRUST is important for relationships! It’s time to learn how to build it.

Here’s the scenario. You are going to be together with someone with whom you have major differences in attitude and opinion. You can employ Tactics, Speaking, and Listening to deal with the situation. Some of them are more helpful than others. Which of the following will you do and why? And what ones do you find yourself doing even though you probably shouldn’t?

TACTICS 

1. Avoid the person

2. Avoid the conversation

3. If THE subject comes up, Say nothing

4. Say nothing to them and complain to everyone else

5. Change the subject

6. Hang out around them

7. Express interest in them

8. Learn something about them ahead of time and do some research so you can talk about it

9. Calm yourself beforehand

10. Let someone else know what you are doing so they can support you

SPEAKING

1. Tell them they are wrong

2. Explain why they are wrong

3. Explain why they are wrong nicely

4. Call them names

5. Ask them, Do you REALLY believe that?

6. Ask them, Why do you believe THAT?!?

7. Ask them, HOW can you believe that?

8. Explain to them the ramifications on the world of what they believe

9. Ask them if they want to know what you think.

10. Explain how you are trying to be open to them, and that they aren’t doing that for you

11. Ask what brought them to believe what they do?

12. Ask clarifying questions

13. Reflect what you hear to confirm understanding

14. If asked what you think, use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.

LISTENING 

1. Listen for the weakness in their argument

2. Roll your eyes often

3. Interrupt

4. Listen for a pause… so you can get your point in

5. Listen to understand

6. Listen for the person behind the words

Centering Practices: Creating Focus and Building Community

This fall Fabric Kids have been taking time each week to participate in a few centering practices to help us calm down, gain focus, and to connect together as a group.  One of the things we are aiming at is to help kids to become more aware of their bodies. When we have more awareness in our bodies, we can respond rather than react to what is going on.  A great practice for all of us is to S.T.O.P – Stop what we are doing, Take 3 deep breaths, Observe what is happening around you and then Proceed with awareness.

Here are a few centering practices to try and home:

Slinky Breathing: Hold a slinky in the palm of your hand, settle your body, then with your other hand stretch the slinky up as you breath in and fill up your lungs. As you push the air out of your lungs return the slinky back to your palm, controlling your timing to match your breathing.  Repeat 4-5 times.

Calm Down Jars: You can create a Calm Down Jar using a recycled soda or juice bottle.  Rinse out and then fill 2/3 full with warm water.  Add glitter glue and stir or shake (with lid) until it is mostly incorporated with the water. Then fill up the rest of the way with water.  Put a small bead of hot glue in the lid to secure.  When your body is feeling angry, upset, or worried, shake up the jar and then sit quietly watching the glitter fall back down to the bottom of the jar.  Remember to breathe! 

Tensing and Releasing: Lie down and take a few deep breaths. Say: Tense your stomach muscles for the count of two and then release or relax them.  See how this feels. Say: Now we’ll start this tensing and relaxing with each part of the body, starting with the toes. Clench your toes for the count of two, then release them. Now clench your feet for two, then release. Let’s try your calf muscles. Clench for two, then release. Work your way up your body until you finally finish up by clenching and releasing the top of your head. For added fun, you can ask your child to make a silly face as he clenches his face. Think about how letting go of hurt feelings might feel in your body?

Jungle Yoga: Yoga is a great way to connect with our bodies and the way our bodies are holding onto our feelings.  It’s fun too!  We did Jungle Yoga at the beginning of the year! There are lots of on-line jungle pose ideas or books for kids that you can try!

Cupcake Breathing: Imagine that you are holding your favorite cupcake in your hand. What does it look like?  What flavors would it have?  Now breath in the smell of that cupcake, slowly so you can enjoy every whiff! Now, imagine that the cupcake has a birthday candle on top. Use your inhaled breath to blow out the candle creating an “O” shape with your lips as you are exhaling.  Repeat 5 times.

The power of a better question

As part of our small ‘t’ truth conversation we’ve come around once again to the power of a better question. What makes a “better” question anyway? Let’s explore one take on it…

Whether it's with friends, family, kids, colleagues or our fellow citizens, we are practiced at asking questions full of opinions and agendas. How can you believe that? Or a couple of my favorite parenting questions, Why did you do that? and Did you [fill in mom’s agenda here] yet? While these may temporarily give me a sense of satisfaction, they also create defensiveness, secrecy and probably some shame in my kids! What I really want to foster are courage, conviction and connection.

So, if “better” could mean more HONEST questions that OPEN up new connections to learning, to each other and to our deeper convictions, I’m in! What are we talking about here? In brief:

Open questions: create discovery and new territory to explore; many possible answers. What are some experiences that have shaped your beliefs?

Closed questions: invite quick, yes/no answers, narrow the field, stifle discovery Did you feel sheltered growing up in a small town?

Honest questions: no answers I hope or expect to hear, trust and invite the wisdom in others to speak. What options have you considered?

Not so honest questions: Leading, I know what I want or expect to hear, may be tainted with cultural assumptions, advice-in-disguise. How do you feel about going to college?

Asking open and honest questions is harder and more powerful than we think.  We need low stakes, relaxed chances to practice. Below are 3 ideas for ways to try it, mess up, talk about it and try again!

ONE: Practice on yourself, in writing. Take an issue where you feel a little stuck and write out a Q & A, trying out questions on yourself as if someone else was asking you.

TWO: Over dinner with a friend or your family what if you just talked about it? “So when people need support or help talking something through, I feel like I could get better at asking helpful questions. What do you think makes a helpful or less helpful question?” Come up with examples together and talk about times with others that you’ve been on the receiving end of open & honest versus closed & not-so-honest questions. How did that feel? Admit that you want to grow in asking better questions and invite them to let you know when it might be time to question your question.

THREE: Here’s an exercise to do with a group…

1. Someone be the askee. Think of a lower stakes decision you are facing. (Maybe an invitation or request you’ve received, plans you are making, changes or purchases you are considering, a minor problem that needs to be addressed…)

2. Explain the decision to your Listener/Question Asker(s)

3. Listener/Question Asker(s) - listen attentively; then take a minute to jot down some ideas for open and honest questions.

4. Start asking! Try out your questions.

5. Hear a question that seems not so open and honest? Time to question your question? Call “PICKLES!” Share why, talk about it for a moment. Then keep going, keep messing up, keep learning.

6. Switch roles.

Have fun practicing!